'Cause you have to have a rap name in P. Diddy territory.
So, my sister Trina (also known as TuShort) and I have an annual summer tradition in which she joins me for a four-day Weekend of Debauchery in the Hamptons. Well, at least as debauched as two married women approaching 40 can get. Unfortunately, due to the Great Mold Debacle of 2009-2010, last year we spent our annual Hamptons weekend not in the Hamptons, but in Cape May, NJ. Which is a little like planning a trip to Mardi Gras, but ending up at a Rotary Club meeting. It can still be fun . . . but it's just not the same. So I was understandably frightened that TuShort might be a like a kid in a candy store with its head cut off (oh yes I did) when we finally turned her loose on the Hamptons. And I was right.
Our first night we decided to catch the sunset at Docker's Waterside. It was hot and humid out, and therefore very important to stay hydrated. With blueberry mojitos.
Three rounds of mojitos later (plus a fourth one on the house, which obviously doesn’t count), we decided to get up and dance to the band. Can anyone really resist a little fist-pumping to the Beastie Boys? Later, for reasons that can only be explained by four drinks in a five-foot-tall person, TuShort decided to ask the band’s guitarist to play "Kiss Me Deadly" by 80s metal goddess Lita Ford. What, you don’t remember that song? From 22 years ago? Well, somebody does – it turns out that the guitarist used to play with . . . Lita Ford! You just can’t make this stuff up.
On Saturday we had lunch at Saltwater Grill, where we tried to eat light so that we'd be able to fit into our dresses later that evening. Because nothing is more embarrassing than being asked if you’re knocked up, when all you're really guilty of is carbo-loading.
Later that night we took the ferry over to Shelter Island. Had I known that TuShort was going to be so excited by a ferry ride, I'd have saved myself the 150 bucks that four appetizers and a bottle of wine set us back at Sunset Beach. Owned by hunky hotelier Andre Balasz (CALL ME), Sunset Beach is a stylish restaurant and bar that attempts to recreate that St. Tropez vibe by squeezing about 500 people onto approximately 3 square feet of sand.
The weather that night was glorious: about 85 degrees, without a cloud in the sky. Clearly the perfect time to wear your raincoat.
Seriously, a raincoat?? I am going to need another drink.
The food at Sunset Beach, like this tomato and fresh chevre tart, is tiny, tasty, and pricey enough to keep out the riff-raff. Joke's on them -- here we are!
These girls are SOOO jealous of my fake boyfriend.
Later we retired to the fire pit. We waited for them to hand out marshmallows, but they never did. BOO.
Marshmallowless gluttons that we are, dinner at Sunset Beach was followed by watermelon margaritas and some shrimp dumplings at B. Smith’s in Sag Harbor. Which is where the “Rock the Dock Summer Gala Benefit Bash” was taking place under an enormous tent on Long Wharf. Now, had this been only a gala, say, or just a bash, we might not have been so tempted. But a GalaBenefitBash? We simply had to, um, attend.
By Sunday morning, it was time to replenish ourselves. We decided to have lunch at Dockside Bar & Grill, a cute little place with an eclectic menu of everything from edamame burgers to paella to baby back ribs. In other words, a lovely variety of hearty hangover cures. TuShort ordered the chile relleno, which was so large that the woman next to her asked if it was a baked potato. Or a football.
I ordered a dish called Dolores’ Chicken Pot Pie. Judging by the looks of this thing, I am pretty sure that Dolores must be the secret love child of Kirstie Alley and Homer Simpson.
After the pot pie was lowered by crane onto the table in front of me, I immediately scanned the menu to see if there was a reward for finishing the whole thing. There wasn’t, but after digging in I realized that finishing this mammoth pie would be its own reward. Thank you, Dolores.
Later we did some shopping in Southampton. I begged TuShort to sit in this little chair so I could take her picture, but she refused. So instead you will have to just imagine her in this tiny little chair. Which is even funnier.
Monday was our last day, so it was time to slow down, recuperate, and return to our normal diets and drinking habits.
So we had meatloaf and French fries for lunch at this place.
Followed by a couple of wine tastings.
First up was Sherwood House, which is housed in a renovated turn-of-the-century farmhouse.
You know it's time to redecorate when a winery tasting room is nicer than your own living room.
Later it was on to Paumanok, where we skipped the tasting and went straight for the adult-sized portions. It was very hot out, you know.
Finally, it was back to NYC for our final night. TuShort opted for dinner at The Stanton Social, primarily because the chef, Chris Santos, is a frequent judge on one of her favorite shows, Food Network's "Chopped," in which he insults the various contestants. If that isn't a recipe for a delicious dinner, I don't know what is!
Because several rounds of cocktails and a never-ending parade of small plates weren't enough, we followed up with dessert. And in keeping with the theme of the weekend, we ordered milkshakes. Spiked with 90-proof Maker's Mark.